Things are clearer now...

As I pursue a position in Child Evangelism Fellowship (CEF), the pieces are slowly falling into place.  In a sense, I have been accepted and an account as been set up for me to receive funds, but I still need to meet with the State Committee in January.  And two more things: (1) I still need to successfully complete the 10 week training, which includes writing a 30 page theological paper justifying evangelizing children; (2) and I still need to complete a 1 year internship for the local CEF office.  I seem to be stuck doing internships.  At my age, I am a bit discouraged and frustrated.  It seems like I can't seem to "get off the ground" in serving in God's kingdom.  Sigh...

5 More Sermons to Go

I've looked at my schedule and I have 5 more sermons to prepare before the end of the year.  Due to some misunderstanding I will not be preaching in January, which is the last month I am on staff at the church I currently serve at.  In some ways I am looking forward to this break in serving.  I am burnt out.  Not much left to give.  The sermons are harder and harder to prepare.  I don't have a word from the Lord to give to the congregation.  It is harder and harder to focus on the Lord these days, but I must -- for my own good as well as for the good of the people I am responsible for.

Some positive news....  I am getting closer to coming on staff at Child Evangelism Fellowship (CEF) in Northern Virginia.  While I didn't think I did well in my interview with the State Director, the Regional Director (who was also present at the interview) said that the interview went well and that the State Director was impressed.  There will be a State Committee meeting on 11/15/2014, where I hope that the State Director will put forth a favorable reference for me in my application to join CEF.  After that I expect that I will be scheduled to meet the State Committee on 1/10/2015.  If all goes well, I can come on staff.  Somehow, as I think about this time-table, things seem vaguely familiar.  I think I had a dream about this a couple of years ago, but it didn't make any sense because it was not what I expected.  Now I see things falling into place.

I need to start raising funds asap.  It is hard to concentrate on this when I have sermons to prepare, but I suspect that is just some excuse in my mind.  I have the time.  Need to make use of the available time.

at the end of a road

Well, change is coming again!  It's been a rough 7+ years here in VA.  My time has been difficult and painful.  The announcement has been made a couple of weeks ago.  Many saw it coming, but the fact that it is now "out in the open" still has an effect.  I told "J" that I deal with it by tucking it away in a corner of my mind.  Too many other things to think about and deal with.  I've got to prepare for the future.  Taking an online class.  It is more time consuming than I planned.  Can't wait until it is over.  It is an 8 week class.  I'm in week 5 now, I think.  Also, trying to prepare the ministries I am involved with to function without me.  I will most likely be totally gone from the end of Jan. to beginning of April in order to take more classes as I hope to transition to a different ministry organization: Child Evangelism Fellowship.  I still need to put together a prayer letter so that I can mobilize people to pray for me.  Also on top of all this are two very serious counseling issues that recently popped up.  I was kind of aware of one of them, but the second one was a bit of a surprise.  Not sure how to approach each one, but I've got a few ideas.  Thankful to the training I received at WTS.  I've also been preparing my kids for the transition.  We may need to move sometime next year.  That would depend on a number of things.  Something I also need to explore is the possibility of serving "out of bounds" so that I can remain in the PCA and be ordained.  If it is a possibility, then I would need to prepare for the oral exam from the credentials committee.  I expect it to be a very long and tough grilling session of maybe 5 to 6 hours.  But it will be worth it if I can be ordained in the PCA.  It would also help one of my kids keep her scholarship, which is contingent on me being in the PCA.

But while I have all this stuff tucked away in my mind, compartmentalized, I find that something is seeping through every day.  Feeling down a lot nowadays...  I found that cleaning up my home office has been therapeutic.  "J" has also found it encouraging saying that I've "come back!"  I used to go through a cleaning phase at the conclusion of a semester at WTS, but after coming to VA I've been in some kind of funk, constantly walking around in a dark cloud.  What's kept me afloat was keeping my eyes on Jesus.  God has definitely been good to my family and I during these dark years here.  The Lord is good all the time!

Whatever My God Ordains Is Right

Just rediscovered this song as I was looking for guitar chords for songs that I thought I had on my laptop.  Something I needed to be reminded of badly these days...

Like a tumbleweed...

Not much to write today.  Not much to write about anymore it seems.  Life feels like a grind.  As a consider my six and a half years in ministry here I wonder what I've learned.  What did I learn about Christ?  What did I learn about people?  What did I learn about life?  What did I learn about myself?  I originally went into Christian service so that I would know Jesus better, taking my cue from the Apostle Paul in Philippians 3:7-11.  But as the years go by and I struggled with all sorts of stuff from serving in an ethnic church, I ask myself, "What am I doing here????  Why am I here????"  I'm no angel myself, and so I've had to face the dark things that I've learned about myself... dark things that bubbled up to the surface in my character through the crucible of pain and being sinned against by people who claim to follow Jesus.  It's this crap in my character that makes me wonder why I am even in pastoral work.  Perhaps, as someone jokingly said before about themselves, "God called me into pastoral ministry because if I wasn't I would even be worst off!"  It's the daily immersion into God's Word that helps me keep my sanity, especially when I want to "go postal" or resort to other sinful tendencies to numb the pain.  What I really need is to run to Shepherd of my soul, who is the Source of life.

So what have I learned about my Savior and Lord during my time here?  He is the source of what I need.  Easy to write.  Easy to say.  But hard to remember and even believe when I hear, feel, smell, and can even taste the bitter darkness of people's sin against me.  Like Randy Pope would say, "sheep bite!"  Was he right!  But then again, all of this insult and emotional/psychological injury that comes with pastoral work is all part of the package/calling.  I guess it is part of the cross that we, as pastors, are called to bear.  I need to run to Christ in times like this.  Things are so dark...

moved to repent again...

Was reading and reflecting on Psalm 119:11.   I also heard this song and was moved to repent again.

Introverted Leaders?

Here's an article that I came across today that makes a case for effective leadership by people who are introverted.

http://catalystconference.com/read/what-makes-introverts-great-leaders/

Interesting.  Pastor Randy Pope, whose church numbers in the thousands, is also an introvert from what I am told.  God can use all sorts of people to lead, but the power and authority of a leader in God's kingdom flows from their relationship with the Lord.  Was Moses introverted?  I don't know, but I do know that early on, in his attempts to lead the people of Israel, the people rejected him -- and so he ran (also because Pharaoh wanted to arrest him for murder).  And throughout their time in the wilderness, time and time again people questioned the authority of Moses, even his own sister and brother.  Yet, it was God who time and time again established Moses as the leader of His people.  It was Moses' relationship with the Lord that made the difference.  And another thing to note is that this relationship with the Lord was based upon grace.  Moses was called by God into this amazing relationship just because God wanted to (Exodus 3:10-17) -- even when Moses came up with all sorts of excuses.  God was gracious to Moses.